Every day I go bounding past the slow-moving cancer cowgirls/boys on the frigid but short walk from my car to the BC Cancer Agency building and then 15 minutes later go bounding back out, passing old ladies on stretchers, old men shuffling down the hall, old everyone waiting in the cozy lobby by the gas fireplace, eating the free chocolates on the table. And every day I think, Jane, get me off this crazy thing.
Other than the betrayal of my hair follicles and the bazillion medical appointments I have every week, I feel bloody fantastic these days and more and more annoyed that I have to continue to flow through the cancer system, feel and look at my diseased breast, feel and look at my healthy breast that is likely also not long for this world, and get impatient, impatient, impatient. I'm done. Cut me open, sew me up, get the pathology done, tell me how it all looks on the inside, give me my hormones for the next five years and say goodbye to me.
Ah, hell, I know I'll be all "but, but, but!" when I finally do get the final handshake from my onc, but I'd rather deal with those fucked up emotions than the feeling that someone continues to hold me by the throat every time I try to plan something, flesh out an idea, imagine my life post-surgery. Hold on, missy. We're not done with you yet.
So let's fast-forward two months, when I'll likely be finished with hospital and lying on my divan in my ostrich-feather robe, a team of assistants helping me recover and my hair way past my shoulders from a freaky growing spaz. Oh, how I'll be happy to be d.o.n.e.
We hear you, Babe! You are a poster-person for anyone who has a lifethreatening condition. You have taken your destiny into your own hands. You are THE ONE! So many of us allow ourselves to take on the persona of a sick person and let others be the master of our futures. You are writing your own book on what is good for you ... and, as it turns out, what you are saying is good for all of us! It is time for us to take our own bodies and minds back, I think. Each of us know (if we listen) what we need to do to help ourselves. Listen to the medical people but also take back our own rights as well...
ReplyDeleteYeah! onward and upward! Keep leading us, oh great one!
I'm so glad to hear you are bounding everywhere and that you feel bloody fantastic. That's our girl! You have been on the roller coaster of your life and it's about to stop; you'll get off and walk into your future. C-free, happy and healthier than you've ever been (as will the rest of us who have been following what you've learned). It's coming, just be a bit more patient and this will all be behind you. Keep up the writing..........we LOVE it as we do you. xo
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