Saturday, September 3, 2011

Coming up to an end

I'm on the verge of another ending, or beginning, or just another excuse to buy new clothes.

This coming week I have my last round of Herceptin. Yes, it freaks me out a little. That new little drug is saving a shitload of HER2+ women's lives these days and it's been my job to imagine it's doing the same for me. After the Herceptin goes away, who's going to be the new warden? It's too much to think about being that vulnerable again, so I mostly ignore that feeling.

After Herceptin ends, I have one final heart scan next week to see how the ol' valentine is doing. Then it's one final CT scan to see if that little lung fun I had last fall is still kickin' around. I know I said/thought no more scans, but I was wrong. I kind of asked for the CT the last time I was at the onc. I asked why getting a final set of scans wasn't de rigeur in cancer land and Dr. A. said, "Well, let's get a final CT, then, to check your lungs." Shizz. Fine. Call my bluff.

That'll be in October. Shortly after that, I should be ready to go under the knife again to get the permanent new set installed and the current baby boulders removed. Actually looking forward to that little surgery. It might make me feel less like Barbie and more like... well, a girl with fake boobies.

You know - since going through this whole smashup, I definitely feel differently about the whole fake vs. real conversation. Some women spend this wicked energy spewing "they're obviously fake" statements at real and magazine women. Now that I'm in the fake category, I think - who the fuck cares? And if they are fake, how do you know what the story behind the fakery is? And if it is just cosmetic, again, who the fuck cares? Just another stupid division to keep the girl fight alive.

With all these endings and beginnings I'm thinking again about nutrition and what my next commitment needs to be. There's been huge progression, and I'd like to take it all to the next level and eat my chocolate sundaes in bed instead of over the sink.