With a brief, but recurring chat I had with my mom last night, I've been thinking about the s-word (survivor) and what it means to me.
When I was first diagnosed, I was a bit pissed off that there were rules around being called a survivor. Like having cancer and getting up every damn day wasn't enough - I also had to somehow reach a milestone... of what? 100% cancer-free? Five years in remission? Some kind of signed and sworn statement from my oncologist saying I could join the special club? Well, fuck you, yet another girls club with stupid rules. Besides, isn't a survivor just someone who continues to function or prosper in spite of opposition, hardship, or setbacks? I'm one now, beyotches.
The thing about my mom, though, is that she has never felt comfortable being thought of or singled out as a survivor. Yes, she had breast cancer. Yes, it was removed. Yes, she's cancer-free now. The idea is simple to me, but I think the word survivor for her conjures up some special sphere of privilege or pedestal-like behavior, which is so not my mom. And it gets me thinking about the word, too. Despite not wanting to be left out of any exclusive club, the badge of survivorhood is not necessarily one I feel I've earned and wear with any kind of obvious pride. Or maybe just not yet.
Yes, I'm going through chemo and still getting up to get shit done every day, but what's my choice? Yes, there is a boatload of crap ahead with radiation and surgery and recovery/diligence (whatever that looks like) ahead, but again... what's my choice? I guess I could lay in bed and waste away, but let's put things in perspective here. I live in the first world, in a lovely city, in a nice neighbourhood, with a great family, fabulous friends, a huge support network, an awesome workplace and basically no other excuse not to try to beat this thing down at every turn. There are way, WAY worse things I could be going through right now, so what right do I have to wallow in any way?
This Sunday is the run for the cure, and although I'm not quite ready to talk about how much it means to me that there are two team Carissas in two different cities running/walking for me that day, I do know that like my ma, I continue to function, in spite of any hardship or setback, so survive on, motherfucker.
I looked up "survivor" in the dictionary. Being an engineering geek, I need the help. I would guess that "to carry on despite hardships or trauma/persevere" makes you more than qualify to be a survivor. You fight, you claw, you persevere and, for us, your peeps, you inspire. Certainly, if I'm ever on the named show for 39 days - I'd want you in my alliance cause I'd know we'd get to the final two.
ReplyDeleteI've thought and thought about the meaning of the word survivor. Why can't I think of myself as one when I have really only done what so many woman before me have tried to do - some with the same success as I have had (for now) and some who, despite trying their hardest, didn't survive? I can't take personal credit. But you, my darling, you were made for the Survivor game!
ReplyDeleteI'm walking on Sunday because you are my strength and your determination is why for the first time my butt will be marching through this city.
ReplyDeleteTeam Carissa is ready to roll, darlin'. We have t-shirts. We have bibs: "I'm running for Carissa". We even have a lovely pink t-shirt for you.
ReplyDeleteJ-Bird
When I wake up in the morning wondering how I am going to get through a hectic day....I think of you...and then I do. Survivor - yes. But it goes beyond that...you are changing the way we see ourselves. Thank you for that.
ReplyDelete