If there's one theme for me in the "figuring out shit" chapter in my cancer book, it's getting over my lifelong fear of failure. Listen, I know this is not revolutionary stuff, people. Saying you have a fear of failure is like saying you like the Beatles or pizza. No controversy here. And yet, if I'm going to busy myself looking for personal roadblocks, this one smacks me in the face over & over again.
Pete and I went on the Victoria Art Gallery's House Tour yesterday. I had been looking forward to it for a long time, but got more out of it than realizing that painting your rooms good old white can look fucking awesome. The last house we went to was an artist's home on Old West Saanich Road, overlooking Elk Lake, the ocean and a lovely rural landscape. The rooms in the house were beautiful - all white & stainless steel, artifacts collected from around the world, polished caramel-coloured floors and the most touching prints, paintings and sculptures.
We were promised that the artist herself, Telma Bonet, would be downstairs if we wanted to meet her, and I was so overwhelmed with love for her art that by the time we got to the studio and I saw the petite, middle-aged Argentinian woman lovingly making prints, doing what she loves, I was all verklempt.
Pete chatted with her in his adorable technician's way and I had to bend down to sift through her prints for sale while I wiped away some embarrassing tears. By the time I pulled myself together I had decided to buy a small ink print called "Girl Riding a Horse". The scene looks like something out of a dreamy Isabelle Allende book - a faraway image of the back of a long-haired girl on a horse in the middle of a grassy plain, stopped on a bit of a hill. In other words, nothing to do with me or my life, but I was inexplicably in love.
Pete and I talked on the way home about Telma, about making art and how it's so difficult to get over the fear that no one will care about what you do if you decide to go public. I have this thing about writing. I've loved doing it since I was a girl, but the more books by Atwood, Munro, [insert the names of 300 other authors here] I devour, the less I feel qualified to imagine writing creatively for a living. Like, who do I think I am to be considered in the same profession as these people?
But then, isn't there room for everyone who wants to be in the club? Haven't I just been talking myself out of something instead of just getting over myself and just writing? Indeed.
Thanks, Telma.
I'm sure at some point, Margaret, Alice, et al, thought exactly the same thing. Either at the beginning of their careers or at any point way through them. (Although, it is hard to imagine Atwood ever having a self-doubt moment ;-) ).What if this fear held them back permanently? We would all have lesser lives for it. Even this old blog of yours is the same thing. Just by writing it, you are enriching my life and David's. Although, I've decided not to read it after a certain point in the day b/c it affects my sleep (how's that for impact!). So keep writing. Write for yourself. Who cares about readership. Just keep up the blog girl and anything else you feel like writing!
ReplyDeleteJUST DO IT!! Take the bull by the horns (you're doing it with cancer, now do it with writing) and start making a living writing creatively. You CAN do it! Maggi's right...........what if everyone with a dream/wish thought they would fail, no one would ever do anything. Lose your fear....try it, you never know! God, you could be on the best sellers list. I can actually picture you as a writer. I can see your name in print, I can see your books and I can see you writing in your special place at home. Carissa McCart Taylor............damn, but that's got a nice ring to it! But for now, I'm enjoying your posts immensely, so keep on writing girlfriend! xo
ReplyDeleteOh boy, oh boy, the Taylor part of the name really classes it up.
ReplyDeleteYou, my dear are a well known writer already. Go to Google and type in Telma Bonet. Your blog, this entry, is the second on the list after a search for articles about her! Your blog is touching so many ... maybe Telma will give you a print for free ;)
ReplyDeleteI hear you girl, absolutes. My fear/insecurity/second-guessing is stifling me from writing as well.
ReplyDeleteIt's rather ironic that this is your topic today. I sent Solvig the URL to your blog just a few minutes ago and was extolling your writing - stating how much what you've written has deeply moved me. If Julie Powell can get book and movie deals from her little blog, the sky is the limit for yours, my dear!
ReplyDeleteI also went on the 2010 house tour and went through Telma's house last. I was overwhelmed by how relaxed and serene I felt in her home. You are already a writer!
ReplyDelete