I may only be on day two of round four, but man, it feels good to know I'm halfway through this bloody course of treatment.
The injections were not a good experience this time. I had anticipatory nausea all morning and had this new feeling, walking up to the cancer clinic that I was defeated. I wanted to hurl into the shrubbery and just collapse, letting Pete take me back home. It was the first time I felt the fight go out of me. Not good.
The chemo room was particularly depressing. There was a youngish woman in the corner who was obviously new (she had her telltale red folder detailing the side affects and the "all about chemo" DVD playing) and she was crying off and on while her family comforted her. Big bummer. The other people in the room were alternately sleeping or eating (hello stinky soup smells) and I was trying to breathe through my mouth.
Pete had filled up a stainless steel water bottle for me, but the first sip almost made me gag it was so tinny tasting. I had to swallow back the barf the entire 90 minutes while sipping cranberry juice and forcing a couple of saltines into my gullet. Vanity Fair and Lady Gaga saved me (thanks, M!) and my nurse was particularly chatty, which was good. But man, I couldn't get out of there fast enough.
Last night was as brutal as always, with the worst around 7-8 pm, but soldiered on as best as my bod could take it. No puking, and managed to get down some broth and a bite of toast.
Here I am, the morning after - a beautiful day again and perhaps a bowl of dry cheerios in my near future.
Just keep writing babe. Anyone who runs will tell you that the hardest part of the marathon is about half way through when you body says I can't do this anymore! Ah but the feeling of triumph when you finish will echo all over your world. You may not realize it, but even though this blog records 16 followers, you have many more (all who know you and some you don't know) who anxiously wait for your next blog. If everyone who reads your blog put a comment in you would be truly amazed - it may also give you that extra burst of energy needed to get though the next 4! Love you!
ReplyDeleteCarissa, I know that those of us on the sidelines, those of us who know and love you, wish we could take some of this off your shoulders. But we can't. We are only the audience, for the most part, silently cheering you on. Maybe silent no longer.
ReplyDeleteCarissa, you are strong! You are stronger than this stupid disease! You are going to prove that this disease picked the wrong person to screw with! Keep fighting and send it to hell! I love you. Aunt Jen
Thanks, my Italian babes. The cheering (silent or otherwise) is much needed at this point!
ReplyDeleteYou go, girlie. We're all cheering you in your fight to kick the crap outta this sonofabitch.
ReplyDeletexo
Stay strong, babe. You can do this, C. We're here for you. If there was a line-up to take some of this instead of you: I'd be first in line, and know I'd be fighting off others willing to take it on the chin for you. Just a little further. Stay brave.
ReplyDeleteBig hugs,
J-Bird
I'm behind on my reading....I can't believe I missed your last 3 posts. I look so forward to them; you are an inspiration. Once again, I smiled, laughed and cried. You are one strong lady and god dammit, I admire you. Keep writing, keep fighting, and whatever you do, don't loose that beautiful sense of humour. You rock our world with your wisdom and insight. Your mom is right; halfway through is always the toughest but you WILL beat this fucker ('sucker' just doesn't cut it). You CAN look forward to the Fall Fair next year, Paris in the springtime with your man, and Cancer Vixen with Christy. Keep POSITIVE and if you're feeling down one day, just reread your comments..........our support, love and prayers will get you back on track. xo
ReplyDeleteYou are an important light in my life, C. I am constantly amazed by your strength ...and admire your ability to admit when you need a little from others. Today and tomorrow and the next day, I give you mine.
ReplyDeleteLove you,
J. (of the Chubb variety)