Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Getting closer to a few moments

I suck at being sick. I'm not a good wallower. I can't sit still for very long, and even when I'm walking around on my tippy toes because my heels feel like raw meat, I'm not great at taking it easy. So I'm trying to ignore as much as possible the side effects of round five, annoyed that it's day five and I still feel like shite and trying to figure out the things I can get away with doing today without it leading to total collapse by the time Pete and the girls get home this afternoon.

The thing is, I actually am figuring some shit out. You know how sometimes you beat your little head against a wall over a thing for years - maybe not every day, but enough to make it a roadblock or at least an annoying truism about yourself? That stuff is starting to dissolve around me. I get little moments of "oh, that's what that's about!" or "Crap, that does not need to go on anymore." Some of this might be just about not being 20 anymore, and I'm sure my mom is snickering right now, thinking, "all in due time, my dear, Carissa", but that's the point. I haven't given myself enough time until now to understand a bit more about what it's all about.

And please. I ain't no enlightened guru or holier-than-thou "follow thy secret and thou shalt see" idiot. I hate that crap. The Oprah stuff drives me a bit batty and I'm not into the self-help industry. I think I analyze myself and my motivations on my own enough and I'd rather the rest of us not get so caught up in talking about our own navel-gazing. Boring, really. So I'm trying not to let this cancer dealio make me into something more insufferable than I already am. I don't want to drag a cross around town or be any more didactic than I already am about shit, but if I stop for a moment and think about what this is all doing for me, there are definitely hints of getting at something deeper for myself.  And, well, I'll take that.



It's Frances' third birthday today. My lovely little baby is gigantic now and I feel unbelievably happy to be here for it, even as it takes me ever longer to make myself presentable in the morning. Heck, eyebrows and eyelashes are for suckers anyhow.

1 comment:

  1. You and Pete sure make good children! S and F are so lucky to have you for their Mom!

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