Sunday, October 3, 2010

Thank you for letting me be myself

Having cancer is a little like getting to go to your own funeral - in a totally good way. You get to see, hear, and experience the soft underbelly of this gigantic and unexpected lovefest for none other than you. And man, it feels good and strange and you feel completely unworthy of it all. At least I do.



Today was the Run for the Cure and there was a team Carissa in Vancouver and one in Victoria and it all felt a little surreal. I mean, I feel it every day - I do. Rarely a 24-hour period goes by that I don't speak to, visit with or read an email from people I like and respect and sometimes even barely know. And to say it makes a difference in my outlook is completely underselling it. That I feel an obligation to beat this cancer dealio so I don't let everyone down is a good feeling to feel. I know that so many women feel alone while they're going through cancer, and loneliness is not a great immune booster.

Total honesty here, though. I haven't always been a good friend to everyone who deserves what that word should mean. I've been distant, closed up, busy, withdrawn, ambivalent, fickle and cranky, sometimes all in one day. And mostly since my kids cropped up from wherever babies come from. I haven't always adjusted well to my time being not of my own and rather than figure out how to fit friendships into the equation, I've shut down many a times and rolled into a ball. I've chosen to tune out for my free hour at night, or spend it with my oft-ignored man instead of calling, emailing or making plans with the friends I haven't connected with in weeks. If we're talking deathbeds and funerals here, it's a big regret of mine and I'm sorry to the friends I've hurt with this nonsense.

And still I get the love delivered to me in a brown paper package tied up with strings. I get slapped with the cancer stick and it's these friends who reemerge to make me think about this life and what it means to really be supported through the bottom of the bottom.

And it feels unbelievably good.

So for all of you who ran, walked or donated in my name today - thank you ever so much. You're like these beautiful honey bees working hard to concoct the magic stuff that makes me thrive. You remind cynical me about the pure romanticism of good-old fashioned friendship and it makes me wipe away big fat tears.

I am touched to know you. I am stronger with you on my side. And I will never ever forget your kindness.

Pete
Stella
Frances
Mom
Dad
Aunt Jen
Tasha
Dave
Finn
Ezri
Susan
Rob
Jacob
Luke
Shay
Amber
Faith
Lillian
Charlie
Cindie
Eluned (where were you, girl?!)
Janice
Christy
Patrick
Sharon
Michelle
Nicholas
Leslie
Nicholas
Ron
Nicola

You rock my world.

4 comments:

  1. And you rock mine, girl.

    Always have. Always will. Nearly 16 years now (16 yrs!!) after the day we met, and you still astound, inspire and amaze me.

    Love you girl.

    xoxo C

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  2. You rock my world. Even though life has sometimes put distance between us, you are a constant, you have always meant the world to me and you always will. I am so proud to say we life long friends, we can pick up any where, any time. This is a rare friend to have and i cherish all the memories we have and all the memories that are to come. Love you! S

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  3. I was there walking and watching but didn't get to see your "team". You're always in my thoughts.

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  4. Just had a look at the donation page for Team Carissa and saw all kinds of other folks that sent money into Cancer Research in your name - people you don't know but I do, people who wanted to show their support. Teresa even wrote to apologize because she donated but goofed on the Team Carissa part! Thanks to all of you guys too!

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