Thursday, February 3, 2011

Control: got to have a lot

I feel a bit Kramer-like these days - all fucking over the place. And what do I do when that happens? Control. It's probably the biggest vice in my life and really, cocaine and pool boys are so much more fun.

I don't think I've always needed to be in control. I must have let my Ma change my diaper once in awhile, and yet likely all the while telling her what she was doing wrong. It might come from growing up a shy kid around adults. Maybe I thought I needed to control my emotions and everything else to avoid standing out too much as just another idiot kid. Stupid thing is, I then turned into this chick who wanted to stand out and control the gaze on me, which is pretty impossible, but when you're 18 with body parts you don't quite know what to do with yet and yet want to thoroughly flaunt, reasoning gets pretty hazy.

And now that I'm on the eve of something I have no frame of reference for - soon to be boobless for many months and worse still, waiting for the pathology report that will finally give me the biggest details I've ever had about my cancer and I can't do a bloody thing about it.

So what I don't want to do is control my kids (oops, tried to do that already this morning with Stella and her clothes), grind my teeth at night trying to work out controlling schemes (again, too late, judging by the jaw ache this morning) or overplan my PS trip. It's not that I'm an uber-cruise director when it comes to vacations. I do my research, I don't create an itinerary. But I do have that tendency - to map out all the restaurants, tours, shopping, day trips, juice bars. Putting everything in its place to compensate for the stuff that's not. So I won't do that this time.

T minus two days 'til departure and I'm not at all sure wtf we're going to do down in the hot, hot desert. I like it that way.


  1. I never thought of you as contolling, you kept that well hidden. To me you were the most laid back person, letting people make decisions and then dazzling them with your insights and thoughts. Maybe that's how you controlled!! Well you and Pete deserve this break and even though you know the immediate future, you really don't know the entire future except that being you, it will be positive, uplifting and long. Enjoy your time in the sun!

  2. I am a control freak. Sometimes I love it, sometimes I hate it. You, on the other hand, never seemed to be one. Keep it that way. Control freaks are obsessive, black and white and never really at peace (unless they've had one too many Black Russians, or Rusty Nails as is the drink of choice at this time in my life). Take me, for instance, this morning at the doctor's office, the waiting room chairs were not lined up and messy as hell. I was uncomfortable looking at them......geez Louise. I was on my way to straighten the damn things out, when I said to myself "it will make you happy for one minute until some ass sits on one and messes them up again; so what's the point." And guess what....I didn't let my OCD take over; I sat there and looked at the mess. I was proud of myself. Soooo, you may not be able to control your life at the moment, but you will have control in it soon enough and you will rise to the occasion and beat the hell out of the bad C. With regards to PS, enjoy each day doing whatever unplanned thing you choose and know that you are one remarkable brave strong woman. I admire you, as does everyone else. Live and love in the's as beautiful as you. Safe flight, fun trip, much deserved. xo

  3. You may want to control but you manage to hide it very well. I am not a control freak, as a matter of fact, my problem is usually the opposite - I often let others try to control me! When I was on the crisis line many years ago, I talked to a woman who cried on the phone about having a controlling husband. But, she said, she did try to have her own way every once in a while, like when he told her who to vote for, she went into the private voting booth and actually voted for someone else! Now that is husband was a controller!