I feel a bit Kramer-like these days - all fucking over the place. And what do I do when that happens? Control. It's probably the biggest vice in my life and really, cocaine and pool boys are so much more fun.
I don't think I've always needed to be in control. I must have let my Ma change my diaper once in awhile, and yet likely all the while telling her what she was doing wrong. It might come from growing up a shy kid around adults. Maybe I thought I needed to control my emotions and everything else to avoid standing out too much as just another idiot kid. Stupid thing is, I then turned into this chick who wanted to stand out and control the gaze on me, which is pretty impossible, but when you're 18 with body parts you don't quite know what to do with yet and yet want to thoroughly flaunt, reasoning gets pretty hazy.
And now that I'm on the eve of something I have no frame of reference for - soon to be boobless for many months and worse still, waiting for the pathology report that will finally give me the biggest details I've ever had about my cancer and I can't do a bloody thing about it.
So what I don't want to do is control my kids (oops, tried to do that already this morning with Stella and her clothes), grind my teeth at night trying to work out controlling schemes (again, too late, judging by the jaw ache this morning) or overplan my PS trip. It's not that I'm an uber-cruise director when it comes to vacations. I do my research, I don't create an itinerary. But I do have that tendency - to map out all the restaurants, tours, shopping, day trips, juice bars. Putting everything in its place to compensate for the stuff that's not. So I won't do that this time.
T minus two days 'til departure and I'm not at all sure wtf we're going to do down in the hot, hot desert. I like it that way.