After three days of being zapped, radiation is already becoming a bit of a drag, but I eat it up with my spoonful of cod liver oil and try to remember it's all good for me.
The Christmas crew is on this week, so measuring was a bit more slapdash. They were happy with the first zap, but when they moved the ever-seeing laser eye around to the side, they realized they didn't have a clear view of my tattoo on that side so had to remeasure the whole shebang. All this resulted in my right side turning numb and my eyebrow becoming so freakin' itchy I had to bite my tongue to keep from reaching up and scratching (no moving your arms, Ms. McCart!).
My parents came to the clinic to watch the girls and the girls entertained the oldies in the waiting room. Little kids are a bit of a rarity in the house of cancer, so no one seemed to mind Frances' snotty nose and Stella's smoker's cough. Plus, the girls were jazzed about going out for breakfast after, so it was all good.
Running through my mind the entire 20 minutes on the table was a question one of the moms from Stella's school asked me the other day: "What does cancer actually feel like?" Shite, man. That stumped me a bit and I babbled out an answer.
I mean, physically it used to feel like swollen, thick, warm skin. Then less so. During chemo it felt like twinges - which I think were side effects from the drugs. Now it still feels unusually heavy and a bit warm again, but in a different way, like the beginnings of a sunburn. And sometimes it feels like muscle soreness. But mostly it feels like nothing, which is the strangest feeling of all when you know there are a couple of golf balls in there taking up residence and hopefully dying a painful death on the back nine.
When I think about what cancer feels like, even though it's by definition a physical thing, I think mostly of how it has tweaked my emotional life. It's changing me and no matter how it all turns out, it'll pile on more good shit than bad. Not saying I love the c-dawg - I still think it's a horrible bitch. But damn if I'm gonna let it boss me around anymore.
The other people waiting liked watching us play musical chairs. We got a lot of grins. S. started out a little bit nervous and kept looking at the closed door of the radiation chamber but, when we got her running around to grab onto one of the waiting room chairs she was back to her normal self. Of course F. was looking like the sweet angel from the Chritmas tree, runny nose and all. She kept saying that she has asked Santa for a Christmas dress. AHHHHH
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