Friday, March 18, 2011

Pretty, pretty pony

Something I've been meaning to get into and finally started doing today is dry brushing myself like the good pony I am. I picked up a $5 natural bristle body brush from Stupidstore and this morning got to work on transforming my dry, circulation-challenged bod into a high-performing, toxin-eliminating, lymphatic superstar.

Dry-brushing has technically been around forever, but apparently around 30 years ago, a doctor from Finland made it de rigeur by prescribing it to his patients to detoxify their skin. Now it's a practice adopted by hippies, naturopath-followers, cancer-survivors and general wellness buffs who swear by its ability to do everything from eliminate cellulite to prevent lymphedema, strengthen your immune system and generally purge any bad stuff that your liver can't do on its own. It was part of the detox program I was on in January, but I didn't get around to adopting it. Now that I've had my lymph nodes hacked off, it's time to get brushing.

I went to a rehab seminar last week that was bullshit, but I took the floor a few times to ask questions of the physio torturing us with her powerpoint presentation. As usual, the focus of this particular cancer talk was about treating problems - e.g. lymphedema - rather than preventing them.

"What about dry brushing or rebounding - things that are supposed to make your lymphatic system work better so you don't get lymphedema in the first place?" I asked.

"I don't know about those things." Full stop. Awesome work staying on top of your field, physio lady.

So like everything else not medication or scalpel-related, I'll do the research myself to see if it really turns me into a show horse or just makes me smell like patchouli and make my own soap.

Besides getting a shiny new bod, I got closer still to starting my new porn career today with a trip to see my plastic man - the first since my operation. I suspected I might get pumped up, but was still a tad shocked to see him drag out a cartoon-sized plunger with a foot-long skinny needle attached to it. After Dr. T. ran some kind of geiger counter over my little mounds to mark up where the tissue expanders were he went in for the kill, with no topical anesthetic. Jab. In went a huge dose of saline into the left. It felt like an alien growing inside my chest.

On the right Dr. T. found a seroma, which I had seen and felt almost since I got out of the hospital but thought it was the expander. He tried to aspirate it after he injected saline on that side but it was too close to the expander. He decided he wasn't worried about leaving it be and even pumped in a little more saline on the right to even things up a bit. So now I have these bigger, nipple-less lumps on my chest that will eventually (in about three months) be transitioned to silicon implants.

The stranger news is that the Dr. T. has asked me to be in his new instructional video (or rather my boobies will be in it) so he can show general practitioners around the province how to do their own saline injections. Like a DIY boobs video. Sweet. I see a career in fake ta ta modeling in my future. Who says I don't have a special talent?

The whole shebang gets more surreal by the minute. Which is why I had to take Stella out for brunch after the appointment. After she commented on a woman's seemingly huge pregnant belly I told her a cautionary tale about assuming women were pregnant.

"What if a woman just had a big meal and you came up to her and said, 'oh! how far along are you?!' She'd be pretty upset, I bet."

"Oh," Stella said, thinking for a moment. "Well, what if I just said, 'how's all that food doing in there?'"

The world is righted once again with insane laughter over pancakes. Oh, and did I mention Stella's now watching Xanadu on Netflix? Bliss.

7 comments:

  1. I almost choked on my gum.

    Love the Stells... :)

    <3 Auntie C

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  2. I gotta get her hooked on daddy movies --hello Bladerunner, hello Alien, mmmm, maybe not.

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  3. They don't even have those kind of roller skates anymore. Oh boy...do you think it's hereditary?

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  4. OMG, again, LOL! Your little one is a chip off the old block when it comes to humour.

    Dry-brushing, hmm, interesting. I wonder if I'm a bit late on that one.....being past the double nickel digit in June. Well, at least I'm juicing! xo

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  5. Self grooming is nearly as nice as having someone else do it ... where are those well known groomers when you need them??

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  6. A couple of well trained monkeys might be handy too! Entertaining for the kids and useful for dry brushing and picking out the nits in the new hair that will be fully replenished soon.

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  7. I like that - monkeys. Right now I have to call in my human troops to get to those awkward spots while my arms are still Tyrannosaurus Rex-like, but I'm thinking monkeys might be more thorough. You have THE best ideas, E!

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