I have this little person who lives in my house and she's been a tad dominating in her shy little way. Sweet Frances Beatrix, with her eyes so blue and her blonde bangs so blunt, has been keeping me awake for almost four years now and last night led to one of many, many moments when I thought I could crack from it all.
You see, the Frances store doesn't accept the cancer card. In the daylight she may act like she's being all careful around mommy and understanding that I can't pick her up and lift her into bed and give her huge hugs of abandon, but when it's nighttime, the fact that I'm less than two weeks past getting my chest hacked off means zero. Zilch. Nada.
I'm the first to admit this is all my fault. She was a bad sleeper from day one and when I should have been Ferberizing her back when she hadn't yet turned one, I was leaping out of bed to soothe her. We had just moved to Victoria, our lives were ass backward, and I didn't want the whole family to suffer from sleep deprivation. I wasn't working, I could handle it better anyhow. Until I went back when she was 8 months old and spent the summer not sleeping and I finally woke up and couldn't move my neck.
"Deal with it now, because it'll be a lot harder to sleep train a three year old than a one year old," the doctor said to me.
So I did it. Or thought I did. It was me and Frances against the world at night and everyone hated us. But she got better. Very slowly. And I caught some stretches of sleep. Since then it's been inconsistent, which isn't unusual for any kid, but we go through multiple nights of really bad times that she saves up just for me. Up every two hours. Like torture. All the mothers of teenagers and adults tsk away and know it passes and of course it fucking does, and of course it breaks my heart to hear Frances tell me at 3 am that she's lonely in her room by herself. And of course I think, if I die from this wretched cancer I'll regret all this bad bedtime blood between us, but it all fits into place when I remember she's a robot sent from another planet to play on my weaknesses and wear me down until I crack so my body can be dismembered by her alien tribe.
It's likely Stella went through this as well at her age. I probably have a stack of "Dealing with your Preschooler's Sleep Issues" books around somewhere. And yes, I've likely forgotten all that because parents forget the bloody pain. But none of that rational, been-there experience helps when you've been screamed awake five times the night before and chased with a shot of invigorating 30 minute meltdown the morning after (her not me).
I'm the only one who hears her at night, you see. And despite the melon-balled chest, I rock my pathetic abs just so to leap out of bed as quickly as possible because I know she'll scream harder if Pete goes to her and I know Stella will be miserable the next evening if I let Frances scream until she pukes. And besides, I'm off work now and can handle the sleep deprivation better than anyone, right?
And boy did I lay it on the line with her at breakfast about how she's safe in her room and bed and that if she's hurt or sick I'll always be there for her but waking mommy up to scratch your back or pull your hair off your sweaty neck is not happening anymore. Oh yeah, I'm positive she got that message loud and clear. And she'll sleep like a bloody log from this day forward because of that brilliant chat over Cheerios.
I seriously need to find a kid's store that takes this fucking cancer card. Maybe a spot of Netflix and a nap will help.
Shit, I need to have a positive thought here...
On our lovely morning walk to school, Stella told me she wants to be an artist/astronaut (she'll do the rocket ship thing when she gets breaks between drawing and painting). Having a six-year old is the best thing in the entire world.
ear plugs
ReplyDeleteWell, Hannah still sleeps with me most nights. I could have gone through the same thing you are experiencing, but I was too wimpy. I cave just about every night and David goes into the other room. I used to think, she won't be doing this when she is 8. Now I think, 10, 13, 16 for sure not. Hannah's will is so strong, I have a plan to try to get her to sleep all night in her own room by the time she is 8 (in five months), but I remember I had the same plan when she was turning 3. Good luck figuring it out. If you come up with any great ideas, pls share. :-)
ReplyDeleteI'm sure you remember how we dealt with Peter when he was 2 and sharing the same room with his 4 year old brother. He would try to wake Richard up and get social with him. So, just before we went to bed I would make sure that the kitchen was safe (no things to reach for etc.) I would pick him up out of his crib and hold his little sleeping form (my, how sweet they are in sleep)while Lawrence actually dismantled the crib, carried it to our little kitchen. Once he reassembled the crib we would lay Peter back down, close the kitchen door and go off to bed. Every morning at 4 or 5 o'clock AM he would start yelling. We stayed in bed ... it was one of the hardest things I ever did. Peter crashed around, banged the crib against the walls but he could not get our attention (he thought). I can't remember how long it took but he finally figured out that we would not come to get him and he would go back to sleep. He's grown now and is a very well adjusted man. But there were times I cried more myself than he did because I felt so bad about not getting up to him.
ReplyDeleteRichard was easier, he would wake up and just want to have company so Lawrence would sit on the floor beside his bed,in the dark. No talking, no touching just sitting quietly with him in the dark room, every time Richard would start to nod into sleep, Lawrence would try to keep him awake and say something like "Oh No, you don't want to go to sleep do you?" Eventually Richard couldn't keep his eyes open any longer and nodded off. Lawrence would gently lay him back, cover him up and give him a kiss....
You were much sneakier, you just climbed up and into our bed without us knowing, and then go blissfully back to sleep. I think we just allowed you to stay there with us ... But Mags, I don't think Carissa still has the need to climb into to bed with us any more so things will change, I promise you! LOL
Great story.........well, not great for you cause you're in the middle of it, but great for bringing back the memories of a time long ago.
ReplyDelete24 years to be exact. Been there, done that with my mischievous Michelle. It's fine and dandy for you to be told she'll outgrow it, but it doesn't help a damn bit when you're living the nightmare every night just waiting, waiting for the next whimper, cry, or sniffle.
Then we have my Ryan....who for nights on end, cried out and off I went to comfort. One night when I couldn't do it anymore (daddy was out of town working, of course), I just let him cry. Like mom says, it was the hardest thing I ever did. It was hours, hours he cried........god I'm an awful mom. Wait a minute, listen.........silence, pure golden silence........looking at my watch, it had only been 6 minutes. That was the end of the crying at night. The next night, daddy came home. Figures.
I hope you find a way to calm your little one and get your much needed sleep. Let us know if your Cheerio chat worked! Good-night. xo
3 words.
ReplyDeleteBrandy in milk.
(or so I've heard...you know, from the olden days...) LOL
ReplyDeleteSeriously though, :-(
I think there is a window of opportunity, a sort of teachable moment...and that moment may have passed. The idea that you can leave the child in his/her bed and listen to the screaming is very different than a child getting out of his/her bed and climbing into yours. I think the thing to keep in mind ...no matter when you want it to stop...is that it is your choice. You are the adult. Once you decide it is your choice, then you shouldn't feel guilty about it happening...and if it isn't your choice, then it is time to do something about it. Sorry I sound like the mean aunt.
ReplyDeleteWell I can surely empathize. My twin girls however decided to take turns waking me up in the night. I felt sometimes like I was in the middle of a horror movie like Omen or something when I suddenly wake and there's a child standing over me watching me sleep - creepy. Anyhoo, you probably tried this already, but I did 2 things to help me and the childs.
ReplyDelete1)got into the habit of giving them a warm glass of milk just before bed. No food an hour before.
2)taking the opportunity to praise them when they had a good night. They started praising themselves after a short time and would say "I did good didn't I mommy?" Maybe try the sticker thing on a calendar whe she has a good night.
If nothing else works you always have the comfort in knowing that it won't last forever...or maybe the brandy could be for your own milk ;-).
Thanks for all the support and words of wisdom!
ReplyDeleteWe're working on a modified form of Mr. Ferber, which is improving some of the problems, but little F is also sick right now, so I'm not being as hardcore as I could be.
Sandy, I totally forgot about the sticker on a calendar thing. I did that with Stella with other things and it worked beautifully. I swear when I feel the slightest bit wimpy about any of this crap I think of you and your surprise twins and it gives me the slap I need not to punk out. :-)
I feel for you and can totally relate to your frustrations so here is my offerings.
ReplyDeleteWhat we did with Luke cause he was the same is we put a sleeping bag beside our bed and told him if he was scared or whatever he could come into our room and sleep beside our bed the "coolness" of sleeping with mummy wore away fast. I also did, and am now doing with Shay special monster or now it is "noises" dust, I get the night time fairies to bring special dust (sugar) every night. I bring it to Shay and I sing a song., Noises go away
noises go away,
noises don't you stay, noises go away.
Then we eat the dust and I explain that the sweet dust will bring sweet dreams . On some nights she says that she still hears noises so I remind her that the noises are not there because we did the magic dust. Hope these suggestions help.