Six more sleeps until I say Mahalo to my old life and Aloha to the new Carissa. I'm positive it has taken much less than a two-week vacation in Hawaii to change a person. And here's the thing. I'm doing a lot of shit in different ways, but a lot of shit the same way, too. And that needs to end.
I've been back to work for three months and oh how easy it is to slip into le routine. And routine isn't all bad. Teeth brushing. Looking both ways. Self-examination. Those are good routines. Becoming resentful about meal planning, endlessly juggling pick ups and drop offs, ignoring my running shoes. Bad routines.
It's so fucking easy, you see! People ask about my "new perspective" and "not taking things for granted" and it's true. After cancer, some things you'll never see the same way again. But 39 years of conditioning, personality development, reinforcement and comfort are hard to shake in a year, even after touching one foot over to the dark side and being terrified with what I saw.
Some of the me stuff I'm okay with. In fact, more than okay with. Like yesterday, I went to a birthday party with Frances and it was one of those "parents have to stay" dealios. Loathethoseparties.com. If I don't find someone fun to talk to, I get restless and agitated and well... I'm pretty okay that I'm like that. No need for therapy.
But then I pull some passive aggressive shite or get impatient with one of my girls over nothing and think, that's garbage. Why do I still have to be like that after all the bloody perspective I've supposedly gained?
It's not that I need a bucket list or anything trite like that, but in a way, I do. I want to know that if I go to my oncologist tomorrow and she says, "It's back" that I've lived with fucking purpose. I know this can't equal climbing mountains and birthing baby donkeys every day, but it has to mean more than dinner resentment and hanging my fine washables on the line.
So my list begins today. And it starts with two weeks away with my entire family in a tropical paradise, with nothing to think about but what to do with the rest of my life.
Oh, and did I mention I'm going to set off every metal detector in the airport with my tissue expanders? Hello, TSA!
Glad to see you still have time to write and keep us updated on your goings-on! I find it very interesting to read and to hear how you are managing the post c-dawg time. I often think of you and wonder what you're doing and this post brings it to me. Enjoy Hawaii with your beautiful whole family........you deserve every single hot sunny day in paradise. Have fun!! diane xo
ReplyDeleteA holiday in Hawaii with all of my children and theirs is definitely a bucket list check mark for me. That you will be in such good health for the occasion as well is an additional joy I can't even describe ...
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